"Call Waiting"

I’ve looked for years and years and I can’t find whatever it is I’m looking for
And it’s no wonder why I’ve sat here drowned in tears too many times before
There’s no such thing as giving up when you haven’t really tried in the first place
And there’s no such thing as love if I don’t know where to find it, it’s all just a waste

Call out, call out
Wherever you are, whoever you are
Call me, call me
Wherever you are, whoever you are
Sing out, cry out
Whenever you want, ‘cos I am waiting
Call out, call out

I’ve sat here by the phone and never really known just what I’m waiting for
I’ve sat here all alone with only my shadow and nothing more
I’ve waited and I’ve watched the window hoping you’ll wave as you pass me by
But I don’t even know who you are or what you look like, and my thoughts of you are all a lie

Call out, call out
Wherever you are, whoever you are
Call me, call me
Wherever you are, whoever you are
Sing out, cry out
Whenever you want, ‘cos I am waiting
Call out, call out

I’d be the best that I could be if I was given a chance or a choice
And you’d be able to find comfort and paradise in my voice
But I am silenced by these curtains drawn right over my good intentions
Fading ever fading every day they’re fading, are they ever gonna change?
Am I ever gonna change
Do I even wanna change?

Call out, call out
Wherever you are, whoever you are
Call me, call me
Wherever you are, whoever you are
Sing out, cry out
Whenever you want, ‘cos I am waiting
Call out, call out

Call waiting
Call waiting
I wish there was a
Call waiting
I wish there was a
Call waiting

So what happens now?

There's six hours between us, but lately it's seemed like the distance isn't the only obstacle. We don't talk half as much as we used to, and it's become clear that nothing is clear for us at the moment. We're both confused, along with the rest of the world that is our age and alone.

I don't want to be alone. That's what it comes down to, really. I don't know what's best for me or for you, but I don't think we are the answer for each other just yet. It's too damn hard. I want someone. It's not a matter of needing. I can live without someone, but I don't want to. I shouldn't have to.

It's been nearly three years since I've had someone. That's a fucking long time to be waiting, and what has come from this waiting anyway?

Nothing, really.

I have some of the best friends in the world, and I like to think of us as a group being closer than normal friends, even in our numbers. We can all talk about our problems freely, even if it is the lighter side of three in the morning and we're all half zombified from lack of sleep. But even if we are all close, we're still undoubtedly *just friends*. I like my *just friends*, but sometimes I want more. No, that's a lie, I always do.

And I think it sounds selfish a lot of the time. It does, really. But I feel a little bit out of the loop sometimes. Nobody, well, in Feilding, that is, seems to have an interest in me. At the risk of sounding whiny, it's not fair.

No, reader, it's not your fault (especially if you're Alex), I'm not saying "Oh, take me home, please, settle for me!", I'm saying "If you do actually like me, please make it known to me." I doubt there is anyone that does, but it's worth a shot, right?

Please don't think I'm at the point where I'll accept anyone. I won't. But, truth is, I do like a lot of people. Chances are, reader, you're one of them. Makes me seem desperate, I know, but I'm past caring.

Heart to heart conversations...

...they always only happen in the wee hours of the morning.

The longer you talk, the deeper you go. You start with dreams, you move to fears, you move to family and friends and problems and solutions and confessions and conflict and agreement and similarities and differences and understandings or lack thereof. It has been months and months since I had a real heart to heart conversation with anyone, so Thursday night was special to me.

The thing I took from it that meant the most? We are two people. Those who feel selfish for having easy lives, and those who feel bad for telling about their hard lives. I am one of the selfish ones. Most of us in the conversation were. And all the while through that part of the conversation, I thought of you. Truth is, I think about you a lot. You've had such a hard life, and I feel like I've helped with at least some of it. I've tried to.

We need to have more of these heart to heart to heart to heart to heart to heart conversations, and give the tired one some V so she can participate in them. I haven't heard enough about her life. I don't know her as well as I'd like to.

Surprisingly, our conversation has not made me think differently about any of my friends; it has just provided me with a deeper understanding of things I already knew about in one way or another. I think we're all closer now, really.

If there's one thing I've been taught, it's that optimism is the best meds for sadness. I talked to a friend today that hasn't contacted me except fleetingly for a very long time, and she has changed. She is optimistic, and she has inspired me to change as well.

All my friends are amazing, whether they believe it themselves or not.

COOL FLASH DO THAT AGAIN

Look in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a fucking blog post! HOLY SHIT.

Yeah, get over it; it's nothing special. I was just motivated to by a friend, and it's likely to be my only one for a while.

For the last few days I've been moping through school and work, just waiting to get back home and talk. It's not all that healthy, and I need to stop it. But what's the point? Talking is all we have.

This is likely to be my shortest post - I have nothing else to say.

So, bye. Until next time.

Looking Up

Today was average schoolwise.
Computers. Did nothing. Yay.
English. Wrote third 12905. Yay.
Interval. Normal. Yay.
Japanese. Forgot homework. Yay.
Media Studies. Started watching Rebel Without A Cause. Yay.
Lunch. Normal. Yay.
Drama. Did nothing. Yay.

What was the real highlight of my day came after school, where we had our first proper band practise. We started off messing around quite a lot, and at 4:30 Mr Edmonds kicked us out because he had to go somewhere, but he told us to come back at 6.

So me and Stuart went back to my place and had some dinner. At 6 we walked back up to school and Mr Edmonds let us back in to the performance room. We got through an entire song (Feeling Good by Muse) with no mistakes, and it sounded REALLY good. I also managed to hit Bb5! (that's Bb, 2 octaves up from Middle C) I've only ever done that once before, and I got it every time we went through it.

So, yeah, it's been a good day. Unfortunately, I've got athletics tomorrow, but Mr Edmonds says we can try and get out of it to do band practise. Here's hoping!

Feb 14th. Moping Day.

After I wrote my last post, I looked back on it and said to myself: "That's really depressing. My next post is going to be happy and lively."

But that's going to be a struggle.

Do you know how bored I am? I just watched the entire second season of the Big Bang Theory in one sitting. Yeah.

But anyway, I think I'll try and highlight some of the good parts of today so far.

...I got to sleep in.
...When I woke up, family was out so I had a nice, quiet, relaxing morning.
...Band is finally getting to be a bit more organised.

Things really are starting to look up. I've got Drama first tomorrow, and that will put me in a good mood for the rest of the day.

But what I really want is to go into town with someone(s). I'm really bored...

Ah well, I guess I'll just cruise through the rest of today and see everybody tomorrow.

Out.

Update, ranting, bitching, moaning and starting to sound a bit like a Christian scientist with appendicitis.

Yes, it's been a while since my last post. Get that look off your face and fuck up.

So, update. God knows you need one.

School has been normal for me, but I've recently come down with a VERY annoying stomach bug that for your sake I will not delve deeper into. Long and scatological story short, it's had me off school, work and getting out of bed for the last two days.

But I felt better this morning, which was a huge relief, and meant I could go to work.

And haha jerks, I'm the only person in the whole fucking world that had a VALID reason for missing the swimming carnival. Suck on that.

Yeah, that's what I thought you said.

So, we were meant to have a band practise after school on Thursday, but it never happened. Great start guys. You know what's even better? Our guitarist has run off to UCOL and started his own band called "Impending Death" *eye roll*, and now we need a new one. Fuck. Just what we need. Sweet Jesus, we're doing well.

All sarcasm aside, if we don't get our act together, we are going NOWHERE. We now have six weeks to go. That's fucking brilliant.

Anyway, that's enough about me, how about you?
... ... ... ... ... ...
WRONG BITCH. This is MY blog, and you're all gonna read it and be abused by me. Sick fuckers.

That's just the kind of mood I'm in. Happy happy joy joy.

I'm out until the next time I feel like verbally abusing those who try to care about what's going on in my mess of a life.

Scary shit...but pretty damn exciting.

Hello again, it's now maybe 20 minutes after I made my first post, and I'm already making my second. Now that's commitment!

I'll get the boring stuff out of the way first. I'm in an OK mood, work was boring, I burnt myself on the schnitzel cordon bleu we had for lunch, and I'm currently sitting in my chair with nothing at all to do except blog. This had better not become a habit.

Anyway, you're probably wondering what the fuck the title of this post means. You'll find out in good time. Not excellent time, or you would already know. But good time nonetheless.

As you may know, I've recently become part of a band that has never performed, has never practised, and, in fact, have never all been in the same place at the same time. So yeah, it was kinda feeling like it was going to bomb big time. But a ray of light is shining through and blinding me with nerves.

We've been given the chance to perform inbetween the two plays at the production this year, which, may I remind you, is dinner theater. Now, this sounds like the opportunity of a lifetime, but it's shit scary. It means performing for nearly an hour, when we've never even practised before.

In seven weeks.

Seven weeks, that's all the time we've got to prepare. Hell, we have no fucking idea where our guitarist is, or even if he still goes to FAG. And if our drummer doesn't get his shit together, we'll need to find a new one. No trouble with our pianist, except for the fact that he's left school and now has a demanding full time job that's completely killing the rest of his life. It is likely that he'll be able to add anything he wants to what we play though, he's just that good. As for our bassist, he's the only thing holding this band together. I'm starting to have some major doubts. I can sing whatever they put in front of me, but we've never even heard our guitarist play. For all we know, he thinks felines are called guitars and has been playing a cat for the last three years. So, yeah, that's some scary shit.

And that's not all. I've never sung in front of even a medium sized audience before, and there are going to be upwards of 100 people at this thing! The little musical number in the middle of A Midsummer Night's Dream, that's completely different. I sung with an English accent, and it was ten seconds long. This is over half an hour, singing properly. I don't even know if my voice will last.

I suppose there's really no use worrying over it. The best thing to do is to just start practising, once we find our guitarist who seems to be away in Happy Land singing Here We Go Round The Mulberry Bush with Helen Clark, Osama Bin Laden and the state of Texas. GREAT.

I'm not asking for help here, or even sympathy. It'll work out eventually. All I ask is that if you're not in the production, to try and come along to see it for a night. It's a fuckload of hard work.

Seven weeks. Ready, set, go.

Standard First Post

For those who know me, I need not say anything about myself.
For those who don't, get the hell off my blog!

I jest, but seriously, no creepy stalkers.

I'm known to most as Izark, and my life is really not all that dramatic.

Some would say it's actually rather boring. But I suppose you have to be on the other side of the glass to see how interesting it is. It's always interesting to hear about someone else's life.

I'm intending to update this blog whenever the hell I want to, which could be daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, or even millenium-ily. So don't hold your breath.