I don't know why we stopped.

We're talking again. I don't know why we stopped; I don't know why we started again. But it doesn't matter, 'cos we're talking again.

Just trivial stuff, of course, but it's better than the silence that's seemed to inexplicably cover us like a curtain for the last month or two. Miles better.

Hopefully soon the deeper conversation will begin again. I hope we haven't ruined any part of our relationship through this stupid silence. We had a good thing going. I don't want to lose that. I doubt you do, either.

We're talking again. I don't know why it took me so long to start. I don't know why it took you so long to start. I think we were waiting for each other. But it doesn't matter, 'cos we're talking again.

New year.

A new year is the perfect excuse to pretend you have a clean slate. It's a good time to make changes because it has significance. It's the beginning of something. Now would be the perfect time for me to decide to do something worthwhile with my blog - a post a day or something like that. But I know if I try that it'll last about a month, probably less. So I'm not going to bother. I'm going to continue updating this blog only when I feel like it (which, admittedly, is not very often).

However, I do feel it appropriate to make a few new years' resolutions, because there are plenty of things about my life I'd love to see changed, and now is the perfect time to start. So I'm going to make a list, and putting it on this blog post will mean other people know about them, which means I'll be more compelled to stick to them. So, here I go.

1. I intend to at least pass every standard at school next year in every subject.
2. I intend to, for the majority of the year at least, not be single.
3. I intend to not get any fatter. I'm not fat, but I'm not getting thinner.
4. I intend to keep the band together and actively producing material.
5. I intend to keep and strengthen all friendships I currently have.
6. I intend to make new friends.
7. I intend to be a nicer person to my family.
8. I intend to be more reliable and less forgetful.

It's a bit of a list, but I have an entire year to sort it out.

"Call Waiting"

I’ve looked for years and years and I can’t find whatever it is I’m looking for
And it’s no wonder why I’ve sat here drowned in tears too many times before
There’s no such thing as giving up when you haven’t really tried in the first place
And there’s no such thing as love if I don’t know where to find it, it’s all just a waste

Call out, call out
Wherever you are, whoever you are
Call me, call me
Wherever you are, whoever you are
Sing out, cry out
Whenever you want, ‘cos I am waiting
Call out, call out

I’ve sat here by the phone and never really known just what I’m waiting for
I’ve sat here all alone with only my shadow and nothing more
I’ve waited and I’ve watched the window hoping you’ll wave as you pass me by
But I don’t even know who you are or what you look like, and my thoughts of you are all a lie

Call out, call out
Wherever you are, whoever you are
Call me, call me
Wherever you are, whoever you are
Sing out, cry out
Whenever you want, ‘cos I am waiting
Call out, call out

I’d be the best that I could be if I was given a chance or a choice
And you’d be able to find comfort and paradise in my voice
But I am silenced by these curtains drawn right over my good intentions
Fading ever fading every day they’re fading, are they ever gonna change?
Am I ever gonna change
Do I even wanna change?

Call out, call out
Wherever you are, whoever you are
Call me, call me
Wherever you are, whoever you are
Sing out, cry out
Whenever you want, ‘cos I am waiting
Call out, call out

Call waiting
Call waiting
I wish there was a
Call waiting
I wish there was a
Call waiting

So what happens now?

There's six hours between us, but lately it's seemed like the distance isn't the only obstacle. We don't talk half as much as we used to, and it's become clear that nothing is clear for us at the moment. We're both confused, along with the rest of the world that is our age and alone.

I don't want to be alone. That's what it comes down to, really. I don't know what's best for me or for you, but I don't think we are the answer for each other just yet. It's too damn hard. I want someone. It's not a matter of needing. I can live without someone, but I don't want to. I shouldn't have to.

It's been nearly three years since I've had someone. That's a fucking long time to be waiting, and what has come from this waiting anyway?

Nothing, really.

I have some of the best friends in the world, and I like to think of us as a group being closer than normal friends, even in our numbers. We can all talk about our problems freely, even if it is the lighter side of three in the morning and we're all half zombified from lack of sleep. But even if we are all close, we're still undoubtedly *just friends*. I like my *just friends*, but sometimes I want more. No, that's a lie, I always do.

And I think it sounds selfish a lot of the time. It does, really. But I feel a little bit out of the loop sometimes. Nobody, well, in Feilding, that is, seems to have an interest in me. At the risk of sounding whiny, it's not fair.

No, reader, it's not your fault (especially if you're Alex), I'm not saying "Oh, take me home, please, settle for me!", I'm saying "If you do actually like me, please make it known to me." I doubt there is anyone that does, but it's worth a shot, right?

Please don't think I'm at the point where I'll accept anyone. I won't. But, truth is, I do like a lot of people. Chances are, reader, you're one of them. Makes me seem desperate, I know, but I'm past caring.

Heart to heart conversations...

...they always only happen in the wee hours of the morning.

The longer you talk, the deeper you go. You start with dreams, you move to fears, you move to family and friends and problems and solutions and confessions and conflict and agreement and similarities and differences and understandings or lack thereof. It has been months and months since I had a real heart to heart conversation with anyone, so Thursday night was special to me.

The thing I took from it that meant the most? We are two people. Those who feel selfish for having easy lives, and those who feel bad for telling about their hard lives. I am one of the selfish ones. Most of us in the conversation were. And all the while through that part of the conversation, I thought of you. Truth is, I think about you a lot. You've had such a hard life, and I feel like I've helped with at least some of it. I've tried to.

We need to have more of these heart to heart to heart to heart to heart to heart conversations, and give the tired one some V so she can participate in them. I haven't heard enough about her life. I don't know her as well as I'd like to.

Surprisingly, our conversation has not made me think differently about any of my friends; it has just provided me with a deeper understanding of things I already knew about in one way or another. I think we're all closer now, really.

If there's one thing I've been taught, it's that optimism is the best meds for sadness. I talked to a friend today that hasn't contacted me except fleetingly for a very long time, and she has changed. She is optimistic, and she has inspired me to change as well.

All my friends are amazing, whether they believe it themselves or not.

COOL FLASH DO THAT AGAIN

Look in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a fucking blog post! HOLY SHIT.

Yeah, get over it; it's nothing special. I was just motivated to by a friend, and it's likely to be my only one for a while.

For the last few days I've been moping through school and work, just waiting to get back home and talk. It's not all that healthy, and I need to stop it. But what's the point? Talking is all we have.

This is likely to be my shortest post - I have nothing else to say.

So, bye. Until next time.

Looking Up

Today was average schoolwise.
Computers. Did nothing. Yay.
English. Wrote third 12905. Yay.
Interval. Normal. Yay.
Japanese. Forgot homework. Yay.
Media Studies. Started watching Rebel Without A Cause. Yay.
Lunch. Normal. Yay.
Drama. Did nothing. Yay.

What was the real highlight of my day came after school, where we had our first proper band practise. We started off messing around quite a lot, and at 4:30 Mr Edmonds kicked us out because he had to go somewhere, but he told us to come back at 6.

So me and Stuart went back to my place and had some dinner. At 6 we walked back up to school and Mr Edmonds let us back in to the performance room. We got through an entire song (Feeling Good by Muse) with no mistakes, and it sounded REALLY good. I also managed to hit Bb5! (that's Bb, 2 octaves up from Middle C) I've only ever done that once before, and I got it every time we went through it.

So, yeah, it's been a good day. Unfortunately, I've got athletics tomorrow, but Mr Edmonds says we can try and get out of it to do band practise. Here's hoping!